I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
