we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
