I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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