Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
