Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
