Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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