I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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