Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
