And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
