i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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