My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
