i need an iv and a liver transplant
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
