i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
