My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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