We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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