Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
