I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
