what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
