What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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