saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
