so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Apparently you make a good broom.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
