i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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