when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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