you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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