My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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