It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
