Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
