Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
