She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
