He asked to "fluff my boner.."
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
