I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
