Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
