I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
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Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
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I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
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