Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
