I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
