I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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