How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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