Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
