Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
