I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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