I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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