if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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