Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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