FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
