my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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