when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
