Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
