guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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