pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
