nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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