me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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