He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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