Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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