woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
