Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
