i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
