dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
