Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
