During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
