we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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